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  1. Iris Explains
  2. Old Flames
  3. Femme Fatale
  4. Entertaining Mr O
  5. Cabinet of Changes
  6. Suitors, Inc.
  7. Iris Wildthyme and the Spiders from Magrs
  8. Being an extract from "The Amazing Adventures of Iris Wildthyme on Neptune"


Iris Explains


synopsis

Iris visits the amnesiac, PACT eighth incarnation of the Doctor and his daughter Miranda and attempts, quite poorly, to explain what has happened since the destruction of Gallifrey.


annotation

P30 - "Miranda" - the Eighth Doctor's adopted daughter, as seen in his adventure Father Time.

P30 - "the iron gates to get into the drive" - One of the Doctor's houses mentioned in Verdigris.

P30 - "Jane Fonda's workout book" - Jane Fonda [born 21.12.37] was the daughter of the actor Henry Fonda and New York socialite Frances Seymour Brokaw. Initially known as an actress, her screen debut in "Tall Story" (1960) marked the beginning of a highly successful and respected acting career highlighted by 2 Academy Awards for her performance in "Klute" (1971) and "Coming Home" (1978) Fonda's professional success contrasted with her personal life, often laden with scandal and controversy. Her appearance in several risque movies (including "Barbarella" in 1968) by then husband Roger Vadim was followed by what was to become her most debated and controversial period: her espousal of anti-Establishment causes and especially her anti-War activities during the Vietnam War. Her political involvement continued with fellow activist and husband Tom Hayden in the 70s and early 80s. In the 80s Jane Fonda started the aerobic exercise craze with the publication of the Jane Fonda's Workout Book. She remarried with broadcasting czar Ted Turner in 1991.

P32 - "the young Jodie Foster" - Jodie Foster [born 19.11.62, as Alicia Foster in Los Angeles]. Nicknamed Jodie by her three older siblings, Foster rose to popular prominence following her casting as the 12 year old prostitute in Martin Scorcese's Taxi Driver, although later roles in The Accused and Silence of the Lambs eclipsed this early success.

P32 - "the Monocled Mutineer" - BBC Drama serial from 1986. Based on apparently true events recalled in a book by John Fairley, The Monocled Mutineer was the story of dashing rogue Percy Toplis, played by Paul McGann. Topliss, a private in the British army, was stationed at the Etaples training camp in France and, on the night before the Battle of Paschendaele in 1917, instigated a mutiny among his harshly treated fellow recruits. His partner in the action was Charles Strange, a political idealist. The four-part dramatization by Alan Bleasdale (whose own grandfather had died at Paschendaele) added fiction to the bare facts and depicted how Toplis escaped into the French hills, took to impersonating an army officer and led a group of renegades in the taking of a bridge. He then returned to England and fell in love with Dorothy, a young widow, before being captured in the Lake District and 'executed' for his crimes by Ml5 assassin Woodhall.

P32 - "BBC1" - the main, publicly-funded TV station in the UK. Makers of the best television in the world, regardless of what Hutton, Blair and his deranged cronies say.

P32 - "cascades of golden hair, big brown eyes and full lips" - which does sound a lot like Jane Fonda in Barbarella.

P32 - "the Doctor genuinely did not know the answer" - the Doctor, in his eighth incarnation, was responsible for the destruction and eradication of his (and Iris') home planet, Gallifrey. Following on from this, he was marooned on Earth for a century without his TARDIS or his memory - hence he cannot at this point remember Iris at all.

P32 - "this is the third time you've lost your memory...or is it the fourth?" - The Doctor has always been a little prone to losing his memory, although generally this is soon after his regenerations.

P32 - Incarnations of the Doctor - The Doctor at this point has regenerated 7 times.

P32 - "the one with a shock of white hair" - The Doctor's third incarnation.

P32 - "the one with the recorder" - The Doctor's second incarnation.

P32 - "the one who was only in a charity thing for a few seconds but was the best of the damn lot" - A reference to the actor Hugh Grant, who played the Doctor's penultimate incarnation in the charity presentation, "The Curse of Fatal Death" and was rather good, aided in no small part by a simply superb dying speech written by Steven Moffat.

P32 - "school uniform" - a possible reference to the second incarnation of the Doctor's one time travelling companion and latter President of Gallifrey, Romana, who at one point wore a very fetching school uniform.

P32 - "Do you have a surname or are you one of the ones what doesn't?" - a few of the Doctor's (and Iris' too for that matter) companions never mentioned their surnames - most famously Polly, who may have been a Wright or a Lopez; and Ace, who had two - Gale and McShane - depending on who you believe. Although why you would care sufficiently about Ace to enquire even once is another matter entirely.

P32 - "How old are you, love? Twenty seven going on fifteen?" - Historically, the Doctor's companions tend to be played by actors and actresses who are...ahem...slightly older than the parts they are playing.

P32 - "Now, don't get upset, or write letters" - The Doctor is never (well, very rarely) referred to as Doctor Who on the TV series (it's not his name, it's the name of the series) or official book range (although is so called for decades in the annuals amd the like), hence fanboys could well be upset by the use of 'Who' as Miranda's surname. Far more annoying, IMHO, is the way in which Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart at one point introduces himself as 'The Brigadier' in one of the Big Finish audios. Similarly, a character who has been spying on Bernice speaking to the seventh Doctor says she calls him 'The Doctor' in the New Adventure, Warlock.

P32 - "Great Gallifrey" - the home planet of the Time Lords.

P32 - "Not allowed any more" - as it's been removed from time by the Doctor and thus no-one should recall enough about it to swear in its name.

P32 - "Rassilon's Rod" - a piece of Gallifreyan regalia which, like almost everything else on that planet, was named after Rassilon, their most powerful former leader. The phallic connotations are fairly clear.

P32 - "professor...does that count as one?" - Iris is concerned that the use of the word 'professor' will count as a breaking of the laws of time as that is the name that Ace called the Doctor in the early years in which she was travelling with him. Presumably she's joking since (a) the damn tale is called Iris Explains so a small slip like that is hardly going to cause many ripples and (b) Professor barely counts as nickname for someone called Doctor, never mind viewing it as a breach in time. More pertinently, this is probably a meta-fictional reference to the unofficial BBV audios which attempted, with no great degree of effort, to avoid breaching BBC copyright by calling the Seventh Doctor 'Professor' rather than Doctor. The phrase 'gorblimey fliping eck' immediately preceeding this is, I suspect, a dig at the less high quality accents used by some of the cast.

P32 - "Or at least the first hundred and twenty nine pages or so of one" - So we can fairly definitely date this story to between pages 129 and 130 of Father Time. Which is quite specific.

P32 - "You know about the note?" Compassion dropped a note in the Doctor's pocket after he lost his memory in order that he meet up with Fitz in 2001.

P32 - "why are the diamonds arranged in a question mark...and so she never discovered that they'd been a gift from a gentleman admirer" - as the Doctor took the question mark as his personal symbol round about his fourth incarnation and as Iris claims - in her words from Plague Herds of Excelis - to have 'had him', we can conjecture that these undergarments were a present from him.

P32 - "Kipling cakes" - a range of small fondant cakes much loved in the United Kingdom in the latter part of the twentieth century.

P32 - "They were called Paradox" - a reference to Faction Paradox and the War in Heaven which led to the events of The Ancestor Cell and the destruction of Gallifrey. In another universe Faction Paradox did other, even more complicated, stuff as recounted in the Book of the War (although recounted is perhaps stretching the definition beyond any sensible limit), but in this one (actually, in that one too) they can be summed up as a a cult of time-travelling voodoo terrorists and we'll just leave it at that.

P32 - "the Grandfather...he was me, but with short hair" - Grandfather Paradox, the legendary founder of Faction Paradox, is a figure steeped in mystery and legend (and blood and bones he would no doubt add) who, reputedly, cut his own arm off. If he is also the Doctor then we shouldn't really be surprised.

P32 - "one where you lived at home and mourned your dead wife" - a reference to another Universe where the Doctor was the mysterious Time Lord founder known as the Other.

P32 - "Unless events conspire to restore, y'know, thingy" - a reference to Gallifrey.

P32 - "Borusa's your spirit guide" - One time President and Cardinal Borusa was a Time Lord who began his career either teaching at the Time Lord Academy or working for the Celestial Intervention Agency but who, in any case, rose in prominence to become first a Cardinal and later President of Gallifrey. Unfortunately, a tendency to regenerate a lot seems to have driven him a little mad, leading to the events of the Five Doctors, and his entrapment by Rassilon as a living eternal statue. In an very unlikely and quite contrived seeming addendum, Borusa was later released by the Eighth Doctor in The Eight Doctors to resume his role as leader of Gallifrey.

P34 - "Forget Izzy...Charley...Benny" - Three companions of the Eighth Doctor, from three different media. Izzy S first met the Doctor in Stockbridge, armed with a zap gun, and working for the Bureau for Interplanetary Liaison (Stockbridge Division). Charlotte (Charley) Pollard was saved by the Doctor from certain death of the airship R101, thereby causing huge ripples in the fabric of time and, indirectly, leading to the awful events of Zagreus. Professor Bernice (Benny) Summerfield is almost as interesting as Iris - a self-appointed Professor of archaeology with a fondness for unsuitable men and strong drink, she met the Doctor when he was in his seventh incarnation (during the period when that incarnation was a bit on the devious side, as opposed to earlier on when he fought giant sweeties and cleaning machines). She left the Doctor soon after his regeneration and is believed to be working for the Braxiatel Collection.

P34 - "the one that went to Guernsey without you" - This is a meta-fictional reference to the Just War audio play which is set in Guernsey and adapted from the similarly titled novel, both by Lance Parkin. In the audio, the Doctor has been excised for copyright reasons and replaced primarily by Benny's husband Jason Kane.

P34 - "the one who travelled with you, except for that one time in 1997, who you dropped off at Dellah in 2593" - the Doctor dropped Benny off in Dellah in 2593 in the Dying Days, the events of which are partly set in 1997, where Benny arrives under her own steam. This is the only time Benny and the Eighth Doctor travel together.

P34 - "I'm not sure where the one who fought the Scourge with you is" - The Shadow of the Scourge was billed as a side-step into New Adventure territory by Big Finish and hence featured that version of Benny. More interestingly, Ace (Dorothy[ee] Gale/Gail McShane) helped Benny and the seventh Doctor fight the Scourge in the same audio. It is very unclear what happened to her after her time with the Doctor - she has been reported as living in a past France; as a soldier in the Dalek Wars; as simply McShane in Colditz and as plain and simple dead. Take your pick - we like to think she was number 2 and is now number 4. YMMV.

P34 - "You had 13 children with her [Benny]" - Uh huh. Whatever, as the Americans say. Iris is such a big fat liar, as we say. As a no doubt wholly connected aside, Patience and the Other had 13 children, according to the same author's Cold Fusion. Tell me that's a co-incidence.

P34 - "or was that in another bottle?" - The theory of bottle universes can cover a lot of sins, as it were.

P34 - "Emma Thompson" - Emma Thompson [Born 15.4.59] Actress, daughter of Eric Thompson, creator of the Magic Roundabout and ex-wife of the actor/director Kenneth Branagh. Major roles include The Tall Guy, Howards End (Best Actress Oscar, 1993) Sense and Sensibility (Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar, 1996) and Love, Actually. Bernice has frequently been described by Paul Cornell as looking like Emma Thompson in the movie, The Tall Guy. She has a protracted sex scene in that movie, so those wanting to see Benny in the Buff should go rent it now.


Old Flames


synopsis

The TARDIS materializes near an 18th-century manor, where the Doctor nearly drowns in a frozen lake while following giant cat footprints. He is rescued by the kindly Rector Adams, and eventually recovers and decides to go back to the TARDIS - but on his way he and Sarah see a 20th-century double-decker bus trundling through the woods and decide to remain and investigate. Adams invites them to accompany him to Lady Huntingdon's ball, where the Doctor meets an old "friend" - Iris Wildthyme, fellow renegade Time Lady.

She's brought her human companion, a young man named Turner, to the ball in the hopes that he'll marry Lady Huntingdon's granddaughter Bella and Iris will inherit the estate. The ball ends badly when Adams' body is found outside, mauled by a giant animal. The Doctor attends a dinner with Lady Huntingdon, Iris, Bella and Turner, where it is revealed that Lady Huntingdon and her daughter are shape-shifting cat aliens and that Lady Huntingdon is fully aware of Iris' plans and intends to take Iris' TARDIS, the bus which the Doctor and Sarah spotted earlier.

Bella refuses to help her grandmother, claiming that Earth is the only home she knows now, and Lady Huntingdon transforms into the cat-shape in which she killed Adams and heads into the woods to find Iris' TARDIS. The Doctor beats her to it and uses a Time Lord dimensional message capsule to trap her in a pocket dimension. The Doctor and Sarah then leave, and Iris sets off as well, leaving Turner behind with Bella.


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P11 - "Sarah" - Sarah Jane Smith, investigative journalist and one time companion of the Doctor in his third and fourth incarnations. Rarely seen in modern times, following her sacking form Planet 3 News.

P11 - "John Donne" - John Donne [1572-1631] has been described as the first modern English poet - his major works include Satires (1593), Songs and Sonnets (1593) and Divine Poems (1607). His Collected English Poems is an excellent collection.

P12 - "that ridiculous scarf" - The Doctor is clearly in his fourth incarnation, enormous multi-coloured scarf and all.

P12 - "duffel coat" - a long woolen coat popular in the 1970s and early 21st century on Earth.

P12 - "Police Box shell" - Like Iris, the Doctor's TARDIS has a malfunctioning chameleon circuit and is stuck in the shape of a blue Metropolitan Police Box from the 1960s.

P13 - "Cheshire Cat" - the Cheshire Cat is a character from the children's book Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll [pen name of Reverend Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, 1832-1898]. Carroll did not in fact invent the Cat, but merely based the character on the old English phrase 'to grin like a Cheshire Cat'.

P13 - "dungarees" - Ludicrous trousers cum overalls which should only be seen on small children but which were in vogue for adults (often in garish primary colours) in the 19702 and again in the 1990s (in denim that time, thankfully).

P17 - "her large, inelegant body...those feet of hers which she had once described to him as her 'very best feature'" - Iris is in what has been described as her 'Beryl Reid' body (although the quoted passage would be an unflattering description of even that stalwart actress of British stage and screen).

P18 - "plump hands" - and the description gets no more alluring on the following page.

P18 - "their paths had crossed on only a few occasions in the past" - We know that Iris met the Doctor in his first incarnation in historical France and on the planet of the Zarbi; visited the third Doctor at his home in Verdigris; bumped into the Fourth Doctor in "Old Flames"; the Fifth Doctor both in Excelis Dawns and one Christmas, when she had the Doctor and his companions for lunch; the Sixth in The Wormery (where she comments on the relative unattractiveness of that incarnation) and the Eighth Doctor in "Iris Explains", The Blue Angel and The Scarlet Empress. She claims to have met the Doctor in all of his incarnations so we can assume unrecorded meetings with the second and seventh Doctors.

P18 - "cravat" - Neckwear worn in a slipknot with long ends overlapping vertically in front, somewhat similar to the ascot as worn by Fred in Scooby Doo, but not half as camp.

P18 - "some land and a beautiful house in the North" - As Iris is planning to take over the Manor house by marrying Captain Turner to the current owner's niece and heir, it would seem that Iris is not content with, as the Doctor later puts it, owning a 'house in every century'.

P19 - "She's not the one I didn't get on with" - Sight unseen, Iris is concerned that Sarah might be Jo Grant with whom she bickered throughout Verdigris.

P19 - "the freezing, benighted world of the Exxilons in a bathing costume"In Death to the Daleks the third Doctor tries to take Sarah to the planet Florana where the water is sufficiently effervescent to support a swimmer, hence she is dressed in a bathing costume and sunglasses. Instead they end up on the rather unpleasant world of the Exxilons.

P19 - "an old flame of the Doctor's" - as remarked elsewhere, Iris does claim to have 'had' the Doctor by his the time of his fifth incarnation, although he denies it (but as she visits him out of sequence, maybe the version she has 'had' is a later one.) At a guess if she has had him, it would during his exile on Earth.

P21 - "She was thinking about the first time she had ever travelled in the TARDIS" - Sarah first travelled with the Doctor as a stowaway in the Time Warrior. This line (and that beginning 'Captain Turner had the same slightly glazed, bemused expression worn by all first-time time travellers') firmly suggest that this is Captain Turner's first journey with Iris.

P21 - "guts for garters" - First mentioned in literature in The Bride of Lammermoor (1819) by Sir Walter Scott (“He that would not pledge me, I would make his guts garter his stockings”) this phrase, according to Paul Beale’s update of Eric Partridge’s A Dictionary of Catch Phrases, had been around in various forms since before even then, and was at one time Cockney low slang or the cant of racecourse toughs, and was a common reprimand or threat by NCOs in the services during World War Two and afterwards. As that book notes, it has since risen somewhat in the social scale to become a macho phrase among some idiotic middle managers.


Femme Fatale


synopsis

In an almost certainly apocryphal adventure, Iris visits Pop Artist Andy Warhol's Factory to relax and settle in following her turbulent regeneration on the planet Hyspero. The Doctor and his assistant Samantha Jones also go to the Factory so Sam can visit the Warhol, and they arrive just as Iris' new friend Valerie prepares to confront Warhol about the play which she's written and which he has refused to film. Valerie is too earnest and uncool to be permitted in the Factory any longer. Elsetimes, the Doctor and Mrs Jones, suave secret agents working for the British government, are ordered to investigate a book which purports to chronicle their top-secret adventures in science-fiction format, and the Doctor realizes that he must rewrite this "Iris Wildthyme"'s fictions to cover up the truth. Valerie, who has written a manifesto stating that all men should be replaced with clones for breeding purposes, shoots Warhol, while at the same time she's in Paris writing a book. The Doctor and Sam attempt to prevent the shooting, but fail, as it's part of history. Following the publication of Iris' book, the Doctor and Mrs Jones, who are too dangerous to be left at large, are gassed and awaken in an unidentified Village.

P317 - "in Chelsea...the King's Road" - two areas of London, England.

P317 - Description of the Doctor - The description of the Doctor suggests John Steed of The Avengers fame a British secret service agent assisted by Tara King, a friend of Jo Grant's.

P317 - "Eurostar" - The train line between England and France, passing through the Channel Tunnel.

P317 - "nasty affair with the brutish clones in that rundown mansion in Tunbridge Wells" - an apparently unreported adventure.

P317 - "Don't let Mother phone" - Another Avengers reference - Mother being the head of the British Secret Service.

P317 - "Alistair hates being called Mother" - Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart.

P318 - "some Pop Artist chap" - Pop Art, as most famously exemplified by Andy Warhol [1928-1987], is best summed up in his words - "Everything is beautiful. Pop is everything". Emerging in the mid 1950s in England, Pop Art only realized its full potential in New York in the 1960s.

P318 - "the Factory" - Andy Warhol's base between 1964 and 1969.

P318 - "Valerie" - Valerie Solanis, who shot Warhol in 1969 - an event recently filmed as I Shot Andy Warhol (1996).

P318 - "planets...where women really were the rulers and men were banished" - an unrecorded adventure, unless Iris has recently seen Cat Women of the Moon, possibly based on the Doctor's adventure, Imperial Moon?

P319 - Iris' appearance is "slightly different again. Tighter round the eyes and mouth as if she'd recently had surgery" - Iris regenerates into a 'Jane Fonda as Barbarella' look at the end of Scarlet Empress, but the Doctor and Sam Jones have seen her in this new form, so perhaps she has indeed had a little plastic surgery in the interim?

P320 - De Sade - The Marquis de Sade [1740-1814] - more properly Donatien Alphonse François, comte de Sade - is probably most infamous writer in the history of French literature, and has variously been hailed as "the freest spirit who has ever existed" and a vile pornographer. He published primarily erotic writings and gave rise to the term sadism (i.e. enjoyment of cruelty for its own sake). On the one hand, his written works have been seen as exploration of sexual and political freedom, while on the other hand he was undoubtedly a multiple rapist, torturer, and possible murderer and was imprisoned for sexual and immoral offences on several occasions.

P320 - Flaubert - Gustave Flaubert [1821-1880] was another French author, whose publication of Madame Bovary in 1856 led to an unsuccessful prosecution against him on moral grounds. That aside, Flaubert was known as a meticulous stylist and careful craftsman of language.

P320 - Gertrude Stein - Gertrude Stein [1874-1946] was a gay American writer, whose home in Paris was a salon for the leading artists and writers in the inter-war period. She is best known for the novel Three Lives (1931) and her autobiography, The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas (1933).

P321 - Olympia Press - A famous publisher of sexually explicit literary works. They currently have a web-site selling their catalogue.

P321 - Ulysses, Lolita, Tropic of Cancer - Three novels, each banned upon publication on the grounds of moral laxity. Ulysses, by James Joyce [1882-1941], is now acknowledged as one of the classic novels in English of the twentieth century; Lolita, which describes the passage of one Humbert Humbert as he falls deeply in love with the 12 year old title character, is now Vladmir Nabakov's [1899-1977] most popular novel (and is incidentally something you really don't want to have as the name of any images on your hard drive, unless you wish to spend the next 10 to 15 years being sodomized with screwdrivers in some otherwise morally ambiguous prison); whilst Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller [1891-1980] deals explicitly with the author's sexual adventures and challenged contemporary models of sexual morality.


Entertaining Mr O


synopsis

Iris battles the mysterious Mr O and his animated anti-matter.


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P52 - "Alistair sent you" - Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart.

P52 - "Not his unpaid scientific advisor?" - A position Iris also holds in Interference.

P52 - "I gather he was pensioned off rather suddenly...now he's a non-person living in a village in Wales" - Possibly the same Village as that which at one point held the so-called Prisoner, John Drake.

P52 - "Ministry equipment" - The Ministry of Defence is the government department in the United Kingdom which deals with security and the armed forces.

P52 - "anti-matter doesn't exist" - To be honest, we'd best hope that it does exist, or it's going to cause some basic problems with the way we view the Universe. For a quick introduction to the subject try this article

P52 - "my immensely long and rather glamorously breakneck career" - Hence this incarnation of Iris is one later on in her timeline. Maybe, like her friend the Doctor, her first incarnation lived for a long time?

P52 - "I was elderly Iris, burly and haggard" - Now, does that really sound like Beryl Reid?

P52 - "Tom, a human boy" - the same Tom as seen in Verdigris presumably.

P52 - "Soho" - In the 1970s, Soho was a somewhat seedy area of London, famed for what passed in England as a red light district. Having visited Soho as a 16 year old in 1985 I can attest that, by then, it was just very grubby and sad looking.

P52 - "bomber jacket" - a puffy sleeved short jacket, usually seen in green or black, rather than orange, beloved of the rougher element in the 1970s.

P52 - "the Tate" -The national gallery of British art, nowadays merely one of a series of Tates.

P52 - 1973 - It seems Iris replaced the Doctor as UNIT's scientific advisor.

P53 - "S.Foreman" - A reference to Susan Foreman, the Doctor's grand-daughter?

P53 - "his role as conductor" - In Britain in the 1970s, a conductor walked around public transport buses, collecting payment for tickets from new passengers.

P54 - Pierre Bonnard - Pierre Bonnard [1867-1947] was a French painter and member of the group known as the Nabis (Hebrew for "prophets"), who helped establish a new, modern style of decoration that was important for the emergence of Art Nouveau in the late 1890s, and who was famous for the Japanese influence on his paintings. An example of one of his works can be seen at this page.

P55 - Sisterhood of Karn - A group of mystical women, based on the planet Karn, and entrusted with the responsibility of protecting the Elixir, a liquid used by Time Lords to help them through difficult regenerations.

P55 - Morbius - Lord Morbius was a renegade Time Lord who rebelled against the rules of Gallifrey and raised an army with which to over-run the Galaxy. In one of the most ludicrous of the Doctor's many tall tales, he claims to have been the so-called Supremo who led the forces of good against Morbius (Warmonger). Morbius was in any case atomised by the Time Lords upon capture. The Doctor in his fourth incarnation is rumoured to have stumbled across Morbius' still living brain. Iris fought against Morbius' machinations in the Death Zone on Gallifrey in "Iris Wildthyme in 'Seven of Twelve'".

P55 - Demon's Rest - a reference to the Doctor's adventure The Daemons.

P55 - Benton - A sergeant in UNIT. This is presumably this incarnation of Iris' first meeting with John Benton.

P55 - Bond Street - A street in central London.

P55 - "a packet of digestives" - Digestive biscuits are a British standard. Produced by McVities, they are very nice in pairs with butter and cheese.

P55 - "Iris has got us out of a number of awful scrapes" - Although this is this Iris first meeting with Benton and the Doctor was UNIT's Scientific Advisor until this point, it seems that Iris had done the British Government a favour or two in the past.

P55 - Mary Queen of Scots - Mary [1542-1587] was daughter of King James V and a major player in British politics in the 16th century, representing the Catholic Stuarts against Queen Elizabeth I (who finally had her executed in 1587) and Protestantism. For a wildly excessive overview of her life, see this site.

P56 - plastic daffodils - a reference to Terror of the Autons in which the Nestene inhabited just such artificial flowers.

P56 - "slinky version" of Iris - One of the incarnations of Iris whom Benton has met would seem to be the Jane Fonda one.


Cabinet of Changes


synopsis

Cabinet of Changes is a sequel to the novel The Blue Angel and relates the story of the Doctor, a middle-aged gay man, following his discovery of the eponymous cabinet and his attempts to put on a magic show for his friends and flatmates.

In terms of its place in the general continuity of both Iris and the Doctor, The Blue Angel is the second part of the story arc which began in Interference in which the Doctor's companion, Compassion, becomes a timeship herself (with the Doctor's TARDIS being destroyed in the process), and the Time Lord President Romana attempts to track her down in order to breed baby timeships from her. Iris, in The Blue Angel, tries to hide the Doctor and his companions in the Obverse, peopling that space with thinly diguised versions of former friends and colleagues, and placing him under the medical supervision of one of his former selves.

The entire story, with the author's comments, can be read online at Phil's site, or the book in which it was originally printed can be purchased from the publisher.

Many thanks to Phil for pointers regarding the text and the authorial intent behind elements of it.


annotation

P157 - "He seems a bit more cheerful since his leg cleared up" - in The Blue Angel, Iris fixed a recurring pain in the Doctor's calf by splitting his leg open with a sharp shard of ice, and releasing a small blue baby which was curled up inside.

P157 - "He hadn't trusted [Canine] an inch since...it talked to him" - Canine, Sally's terrier dog, is the Obverse version of the Doctor's mechanical dog, K9 and can, therefore, talk.

P157 - "Why not Tasha or Deanna?" - Tasha Yar was the security chief on the Enterprise in Star Trek:The Next Generation and was killed, wonderfully pointlessly and stupidly, by what was basically a tar beast. Deanna Troi was the Betazoid Councilor on the same ship. One possible reason for picking Wesley as a a name over either of these two is that they're both woman, whilst Wesley Crusher (and presumably Wesley the Cat) is a boy.

P157 - "He knew Compassion and their other guest didn't get on" - Iris makes a habit of not getting on with the Doctor's friends - she also dislikes Jo Grant, although she is neighbour and friend to Sally.

P157 - "Andy Pandy, Muffin the Mule, Bill and Ben" - Three classic television series for children from the sixties, all of which are fondly remembered by people of the appropriate age, and all of which - to modern eyes - are rubbish. Each show started off as part of "Watch with Mother". Andy Pandy [1950, remade 2003] involves the adventures of the sailor-suited doll hero and his mates; Muffin the Mule [1946] was a wooden mule puppet who interacted on a table top with a posh woman; while Bill and Ben [1952, remade 2000] was another puppet show, but with fairly obvious drug overtones ("weeeeeed" and the like). The fact that the Doctor's TV will only show sixties programmes suggests either that the Doctor has been placed in an actual Obverse 1960s, or that Iris has used memories of his original arrival on Earth, as part of her attempt to protect him from danger. In passing, Sarah-Jane Smith in some of her 70s dungaree outfits could usefully be described as Andy Pandy-esque.

P157 - "NYPD Blue" - A popular and gritty US police show which focuses on the personal and professional lives of the members of the detective's squad in the New York Police Department's 15th Precinct.

"Before it premiered in the fall of 1993, the series got a lot of publicity because of its daring use of nudity and profanity -- men's buttocks, women's breasts, and the word "asshole" all appeared for the first time in an American prime-time series on NYPD Blue. However, people who actually bothered to watch the show (and not protest it blindly) discovered that there was a lot more to it than just tits, ass, and swear words. It's a dark, moving series about trying to hold onto your morals and ideals in a corrupt and evil world." (from the NYPD FAQ)

P157 - "Dixon of Dock Green" - A British TV show [1955-1976] which spun off from the film, The Blue Lamp, and which starred Jack Warner as an honest and reliable policeman. Of some interest is the fact that PC Dixon is killed at the end of The Blue Lamp and was then resurrected for the TV series, which is rather like someone else we could mention. It is, however, about as far from NYPD Blue as you can get.

P157 - "Compassion" - Either a companion of the Doctor's, or - in the Obverse reality - a lodger of his (and if we want to get really complicated, also possibly a living timeship rejigged to contain all sorts of interesting things in yet another Universe).

P157 - "Fitz" - Either a companion of the Doctor's, or - in the Obverse reality - a lodger or partner of his.

P157 - "Sally" - Either a journalist companion of the 3rd and 4th Doctors (as Sarah Jane Smith) , or - in the Obverse reality - an author friend of his.

P157 - "Canine" - Sally's talking dog, of course.

P157 - "Stars in their Eyes" - Dreadful British TV show in which the public impersonate popular singers (and older people impersonate singers you've never heard and so you just have to accept that they sound exactly like, say, Paul Robeson) .

P157 - "Wesley" - Compassion believes that the cat is named after either Star Trek Ensign Wesley Crusher (who was in turn named after the middle name of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, and easily the most obvious Mary-Jane in the history of TV); or Wesley Wyndham-Pryce from the excellent TV shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, a slightly ludicrous "rogue vampire hunter" turned genuinely dark demon killer and former Watcher. In fact, thought, the cat is named after John Wesley [1703-1791], the founder of the Christian movement, Methodism. Compassion's irritation with the name arises either from the fact that the cat is female whilst either Wesley is male, or from a simple antipathy to the Star Trek character.

"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers." - Wil Wheaton [Wesley Crusher] explains why everyone in Star Trek : The Next Generation is so nice.

"As a point of courtesy, I like to get to know my opponents before I engage them in mortal combat. Do, uh, do you have any hobbies?" - Wesley Wyndham-Price about to start fighting in Buffy

P157 - "the terrier" - a small, tough, breed of dog.

P158 - "a half-full bottle of Gordons" - Gordons is a very popular brand of gin.

P158 - "angel fish" - The Angel Fish lives in the Amazon River, among the bullrushes, which are so thick that it is very difficult for fish to get between their stems. The Angel Fish evolved a long, thin body, enabling them to swim freely in and out, thereby protecting themselves from predators who cannot get through. Gill, from the movie Finding Nemo is an Angel Fish.

P158 - "a big arc lamp" - An arc lamp produces light by the sparking (or arcing, from voltaic arc) of a high current between two carbon rod electrodes. The rods are touched and then slowly drawn apart; as the rods separate the current is "struck" and arcs across the gap in a bright, ionized path. The arc produces a temperature of several thousand degrees, and the tips of the carbon rods are heated to incandescence, creating light. The rods are slowly vaporized during the process and need to be regularly adjusted to maintain the arc. The concept was first demonstrated by Sir Humphry Davy in the early 19th century , using charcoal sticks and a 2000-cell battery to create a arc across a 4-inch gap. [definition from the Wikipedia].

P158 - "shiny top hat" - A tall, flat-crowned and broad-brimmed hat worn by men, particularly in the 19th and early twentieth centuries. They were generally made from stiffened felt made from beaver fur or from silk. Nowadays, you only really see them in people's hands at weddings.

P158 - "baize card table" - A small wooden table, generally with legs which folded up for storage, covered in green baize (the stuff you get on snooker tables).

P158 - plywood - Plywood is made of very thin layers of wood called plies or veneers glued together to provide a tough, yet light, construction material.

P158 - vivarium - A fishtank for reptiles.

P158 - carriage-clocks - Those horrid gold clocks with a little handle on top, so often seen on people's grandparents' mantelpieces, and beloved of managers stuck for a retiral present for a long-serving member of staff.

P158 - opera-glasses - A small set of binoculars with a stick to one side with which to hold them to the eyes. Useful, presumably, at the opera for reading the English translations which come up above the stage.

P158 - dusty gramophone records - In the 1996 Doctor Who TV Movie, the seventh Doctor plays just such a record.

P158 - The little pump engine from a Hornby train set - Hornby were at one time probably the most famous producer of model trains in the world and still retain a huge following from collectors and railway enthusiasts (the 4th Doctor is apparently a model railway enthusiast for a while). The whole concept of converting your attic into a giant railway system in miniature and then spending hours painting the trains, model people etc, prior to sitting watching them chug round pre-ordained paths seems a little peculiar to me, but I own hundreds of Doctor Who books, so who am I to scoff at anyone? The company's website can be found here.

P158 - orchids and lilies - Two types of flowers, both often see at funerals.

P158 - "a trove Aladdin or Batman would find scandalous" - Aladdin's cave full of treasure and Batman's Batcave, filled with technological marvels, are both well-known examples of treasure troves.

P158 - "Patchouli" - The essential oil made from the patchouli plant has a "pungent, powerful, mossy, musty" fragrance. The viscous, orangey-amber oil is extracted from the leaves of a two to three foot perennial bush with purple-tinged white flowers, native to tropical Asia. The Seventh Doctor is described as smelling of patchouli in the novelisation of Battlefield and certain of the New Adventures

P158 - "sandalwood" - A small tree 20 to 30 feet high, with many opposite slender drooping branches, bark smooth grey-brown. The trees are felled or dug up by roots; the branches are worthless, so are cut off. It is usual to leave the trunk on the ground for several months for the white ants to eat away the sap wood, which is also of no value; it is then trimmed and sawn into billets 2 to 2 1/2 feet long and taken to mills in the forests, where it is again trimmed and sorted into grades. The Eighth Doctor is described as smelling of sandalwood in Kate Orman and Jon Blum's EDAs.

P158 - "I'm just an old hippie at heart" - Long-haired wasters who were scared of a day's hard work, according to my grandfather. All you could ever want to know about hippies can be found at The Hippy Museum.

P158 - "Tarot decks" - A deck of 78 picture cards, used to predict the future.

P158 - "crystal balls" - Crystal balls have long been regarded as a symbol of divination, by both Eastern and Western traditions. The balls' reflective surfaces are believed to help mystics gain knowledge and information about the future.

P158 - "Phrenology heads" - The Victorians believed that one could divine a person's character by "reading" his head. A traditional phrenology head mapped out the portions of the brain important to the phrenologist.

P158 - "sigils" - A sign or an image considered magical.

P158 - "Fezzes, berettas, top hats, even tall steepled things with starry sequins" - Types of hats.

P158 - Description of the shop owner - The shop owner is intended to be the Merlin incarnation of the Doctor as described in various sources, including the novelisation of Battlefield, the seventh Doctor adventure, Transit, and various short stories by Peter Anghelides. The author has said that 'specifically, the shop owner is the form "Merlin" takes in the Obverse -- cf the various other incarnations of the Doctor who wander in and out of The Blue Angel, playing various roles.') Alternatively, and co-incidentally, the shop owner could be an amalgam of the Doctor's previous incarnations - crumpled tweed trousers and rumpled socks suggest the Second Doctor; the scholarly face, the First; the Third Doctor had a dragon tattoo on his right arm; whilst the Fifth Doctor was often described as having a young/old face. The moth eaten coat could belong to the Fourth or Sixth Doctor; whilst the weight of ages could hang on any of them, although the Sixth, perhaps seeing his impending sacrifice or the Seventh, having sacrificed his previous incarnation seem the most likely candidates.

P158 - "the Narnia books" - A series of children's books written by CS Lewis and featuring a group of children and their adventures in a mythical land entered via a variety of different means, most famously through some moth-eaten coats at the back of a wardrobe. Many elements of the books were intended as a Christian allegory (most obviously in the first published book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe). Paul Magrs' forthcoming children's book trilogy, "Tales of Hyspero" is reportedly in part a Magrsian look at the Narnia mythos.

P159 - "Mother" - In the Blue Angel, it is established that the Obverse Doctor's mother is a mermaid.

P159 - "mermaids' husbands keep their seal-skins to stop them fleeing back into the ocean" - In the lovely Shetland Islands story, "The Mermaid Wife", a fisherman does just this to keep his mermaid wife. The full tale can be read online.

P160 - "cigar-store Indians" - Wooden figures carved in the shape of stereotypical Native Americans, and placed outside shops (cigar stores, most often) in 19th century and early 20th century America with cigars clasped in their hands.

P161 - "cup-and-ball trick" - Three cups, one ball (or pea). The magician places the ball under one cup and then moves the three cups around quickly with passers-by betting that they can guess which cup hides the ball. The trick is somewhat ruined if you can see through the cups.

P161 - "teletext" - To be exact Teletext was the text based information system available via the analogue channel ITV on British television (Ceefax being the far better BBC version).

P161 - "a stuffed and mounted mer-parrot" - Apropos of nothing, this is the only mention of a mer-parrot anywhere on the internet according to Google, Ask Jeeves and Yahoo. Which is an achievement in itself, IMHO, given that the phrase "autoerotic asphyxiation" appears almost 4000 times.

P162 - "I can't imagine how they fit – the junk it's thrown at me has already overflowed the attic, and started filling up Compassion's floor as well. It's stacked up to the ceiling in huge toppling piles, great towers of lumber and mirror and brass. It's not safe to go in there any more." - A reference to the cluttered and chaotic state of Who continuity, perhaps?

P162 - "I did resent her calling me old" - In the Obverse, the Doctor thinks of himself as middle-aged and Iris as old, hence his confusion.

P162 - "gaudy Russian dolls" - A series of dolls, each smaller than the next and stored one inside the other.

P162 - "swordfish" - With an average size of 48 inches and 200 pounds, swordfish have been greatly over-fished in the past decade or so, as their flesh is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world. Should you ever be menaced by one, it's worth knowing that large swordfish are all females and that except when spawning, females prefer cooler water than that favoured by males. Swordfish feed on squid, octopus, and pelagic fishes of all kinds, so try not to swim round them with any of the preceding stashed in your trunks.

P162 - "The Black and White Minstrel Show" - A truly awful and cringingly embarrassing episode in British TV history which ran from 1958 to 1978 (unbelievable - it was still showing in 1978), in which white singers and dancers blacked up and sang and danced as 'amusing' negro caricatures.

P162 - "full of stars like that sinister Monolith from 2001" - 2001 : A Space Odyssey is a film directed by Stanley Kubrick and based on the Arthur C Clarke short story, "The Sentinel" (and his novelised expansion of that story, 2001). The mysterious black rectangular Monolith is described by astronaut David Bowman to be, in one of the best scenes in sf film history, "full of stars". To wander off topic a little, the mysteries of the Monolith are not explained in the movie, but are later reduced to the relatively mundane by a couple of sequels. In a similar way, Clarke's wonderful Rendezvous with Rama (and to a lesser extent Frederik Pohl's Gateway) is completely ruined by subsequent novels which turn a fascinating unexplained mystery into a dull as ditchwater alien story. This may appear to have nothing to do with "Cabinet of Changes" and in truth it doesn't really, but the 2001 reference reminded me of how annoying it is to read criticism of The Scarlet Empress based solely on the fact that there is no readily verifiable explanation for Gila's mutation from half-man, half-lizard into full blown reptile. Some things neither need explanation, nor are made better by having one. Ahem, sorry about that digression...

P163 - Glass Men of Valcea - An alien race, vaguely recalling the Daleks, from the Obverse. Their civilisation was destroyed during The Blue Angel.

P163 - Romy - Either a Time Lady companion of the Doctor's (and one time President of Gallifrey), or - in the Obverse reality - the vicar of a local church. The Time Lady Romana was prone to wearing uniforms of one type or another, for what that's worth. More pertinently, her role as President of Gallifrey in the primary Whoniverse and that of a vicar in a church full of stuff elders in the Obverse do have obvious parallels (thanks to PPH for pointing out that out).

P164 - "two scarlet hearts" - In the 'real' universe, Time Lords have two hearts. As he fails to comment on this fact, we can safely assume that the Obverse Doctor has only one...

P164 - "His faces are all different" - ...and also that he does not regenerate.

P164 - "the shield bears a point d'interrogation gules upon a field argent" - Which can be translated as a red question mark on a silver background.

P164 - "I see that the figure is made up of smaller images, tiny pictures complete in themselves, all merging to form the figure of the great glass knight" - As a metaphor for the character of the Doctor, this stained glass window is, IMHO, simply excellent. It's just such a lovely, carefully crafted and multi-layered image.

P164 - "harmoniously blending into his armoured body like tattoos" - This is possibly a reference to The Scarlet Empress, with its tattooed guards, and even to Paul Magrs' first novel Marked for Life with its completely tattooed hero.

P164 - "woman in white silk with a flower necklace and corn-gold hair" - A reference to the Doctor's wife, "Patience", as seen in The Infinity Doctors..

P164 - "bone-brittle dinosaur glowering and snapping from a dark earth wall" - A reference to a Permian, from the fifth Doctor's adventure, Land of the Dead.

P164 - "mansion-house straddled by a jack-i'-th'-green plant-giant" - A reference to the fourth Doctor's adventure, The Seeds of Doom.

P164 - "buttery clock softening and melting dripping time down the wall" - A reference to the first Doctor's adventure, Edge of Destruction.

P164 - "bright globe with verdant countries smiling against a landscaped sky - A reference to the planet of Whynot, which orbits inside the Worldsphere in The Also People.

P164 - "shiny fool's-gold handbag with an angry disney scowl" - A reference to the Gracie Fields Iris' handbag, as seen in Verdigris, which was actually an alien lifeform.

P164 - "bloated sun raining fire on a new desert of burning metal" - A reference to the destruction of the Dalek home world, Skaro, in the seventh Doctor's adventure, Remembrance of the Daleks.

P164 - "man of scraps and fragments his arm a crab's claw his head a fish-bowl" - A reference to the intended repository for Morbius' brain in the fourth Doctor's adventure, Brain of Morbius

P164 - "flaming tiger crouched to spring in snowy woodland" - A reference to the Beryl Reid Iris' adventure with the fourth Doctor, "Old Flames".

P164 - "Boots the Chemist plc" - A popular pharmacy (drugstore, for those readers from across the Atlantic) in the UK.

P164 - "a raffia mat" - A mat made from raffia palm fronds, allowed to dry in the sun and then hand woven into shape.

P164 - "transmogrification" - The process or result of changing from one appearance, state, or phase to another.

P164 - "now those depths are on the outside, what else might there be to discover inside her, I wonder?" - The Cabinet has transformed the character of Compassion, filling out her at times overly austere personality. The Compassion of the primary Whoniverse, of course, becomes a living timeship and thus has plenty of hidden depths to be discovered inside her (or is that too obvious a point to claim as an annotation?)

P164 - "my private doctor" - In The Blue Angel, the Eighth Doctor's private Doctor appears to be his own third incarnation.

P164 - "young-old" - A description of the Doctor much favoured by Terrance Dicks in his Target novelisations.

P165 - Anji - Either a one-time companion of the Doctor's, or - in the Obverse reality - the Doctor's new house guest

. P165 - "smart new catflap" - A hole cut into the base of a (usually) exterior door, with a plastic flap covering it, just large enough for a cat to get through but too small for a burglar.

P165 - "the Doctor's friend Benny" - In the primary Whoniverse, Berncie Summerfield is a self-proclaimed Professor of Archaeology, rather than simply working in a museum, although in later life she does end up doing something fairly similar at the Braxiatel Collection.

P165 - "A man the Doctor's age, moustached and dressed in a smart blazer" - the Brigadier, presumably.

P165 - "a young couple with a baby from Romy's church" - Given that the church and Gallifrey are linked, who else could this be but Leela and Andred, with the baby mentioned in Lungbarrow in tow.

P165 - "muscular young neighbourhood policeman, who was wearing an earring now he wasn't on duty" - Tricky. Any mention of a muscular young man in Doctor Who generally tends to suggest Jamie, but he has no obvious reason to be represented as a policeman. On a very literal level, only Bernard Cribbens' Tom Campbell from the movie Daleks' Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. was actually a policeman, but this is in fact a reference to the seventh Doctor's companion, Chris Cwej, who started off as an Adjudicator, and who had his ear pierced in Damaged Goods.

P165 - "His name is Jonny?" - The Obverse Doctor's mother calls him Jonny in The Blue Angel.

P165 - "an abandoned junkyard" - And rather cleverly the end of Cabinet takes us back to the start of Doctor Who: a junkyard, then as now apparently deserted and forgotten.

P166 - "[T]he old black-and-white telly" - Another reference to the start of Doctor Who.

P166 - "I should burn the cabinet, ignite it on a pyre ... That would be a show to give my audience." - It would be nice to think that this is a reference to the destruction of Gallifrey and the loss of the Doctor's memories - but that would be a little too strange, since it hadn't happened at the time of writing.


Suitors, Inc.


synopsis

The sexy Jane Fonda incarnation of Iris is blackmailed by Binky, warrior Queen of the Pussyworld, into kidnapping a million old ladies and shipping them to the Pussies.


annotation

P97 - "the dreadful Dalek invasion of Bedfordshire" - A reference to the Doctor's adventure The Dalek Invasion of Earth in 2164.

P97 - Romana - The Doctor's Time Lady assisant, at this point in her second incarnation.

P97 - "from bingo" - a very dull game involving numbered balls and a large coloured marker pen, played by overly competitive old women and people on holiday at Butlins. The Mecca chain is the home of British bingo playing.

P98 - "Robots? Rather early, wasn't it?" - By 1979, the closest most people had come to a genuine human-looking robot was the effete character of C3PO in the film Star Wars. However, the Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon University was founded in 1979.

P98 - "Cosmo" - Short for Cosmopolitan, a woman's magazine largely full of quizzes querying whether your lover is any good at oral sex and cures for cellulite.

P99 - "half fare for a robot dog!" - Romana should count herself lucky - many bus companies charge full fare for a large dog, even though it's not allowed to sit in a seat.

P99 - Pinot Noir - Pinot Noir is one of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making wine.

P99 - the Black Guardian - One of the six Guardians who work to maintain a cosmic balance in the Universe. The Doctor searched for the Key to Time for the White Guardian in his fourth incarnation and was the target of a Black Guardian plot during his fifth incarnation.

P100 - tagliatelle - Long, thin, flat strips of pasta about 1/4 inch wide, often served in a creamy sauce. The combination of red and white cloth, Pinot Noir and tagliatelle was pretty damn sophisticated in 1979.

P100 - UNIT -The United Nations Intelligence Taskforce.

P101 - Sarah - Sarah Jane Smith, one time travelling companion of the Doctor in his third and fourth incarnations, now working as an investigative journalist. She met Iris in her Beryl Reid incarnation in 'Old Flames'.

P101 - Harry - Harry Sullivan, naval officer, doctor and one time travelling companion of the fourth Doctor. Very old-fashioned, bordering on sexist, with great 70s sideburns.

P102 - "kybosh" - With a slightly different spelling (kibosh) this means a checking or restraining element, such as a big, scary and spangly gun.

P104 - "some fairy-tale princess" - In Hans Christian Anderson's tale 'The Red Shoes', the heroine wears dancing pumps which will not stop dancing.

P104 - styrofoam cup - Styrofoam is apparently 'the most recognizable form of foam polystyrene packaging', which leaves me none the wiser. Less scientifically it's that white polystyrene stuff that makes your coffee taste a bit funny and more likely to burn your nose or mouth whne purchased from a road side stand or, in Edinburgh at least, a converted Police Box.

P104 - Sutekh the Destroyer - An old enemy of the Doctor's from the adventure, The Pyramids of Mars. Trapped in a time eddy for ever by the Fourth Doctor.

P104 - Davros - Creator of the Daleks.

P104 - Omega - Time Lord hero turned villain, seen in the TV serials, The Three Doctors and Arc of Infinity. Lives in an anti-matter Universe, kept solid only by his own force of will. For an laternative view of Omega see Entertaining Mr O.

P104 - The Master - Moriarty to the Doctor's Sherlock Holmes.

P104 - Azal the Daemon - The Daemons were responsible for creating life on Earth (or so they claimed) and looked like the Devil himself. Destroyed by the Third Doctor in the story The Dameons.

P104 - Mohendri Solon - Mad scientist. As well as his primary appearance in the Fourth Doctor story Brain of Morbius, he also showed up in the incredibly awful and just a little bit disturbing Terrance Dicks novel, Warmonger.

P104 - Top Trumps- Best card game ever. In the seventies tended to feature planes, trains and sports personalities and sold to small children to play against their pals in the playground. Now tend to feature the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sell to men in their mid-thirties who then spend hours moaning online that Xander's Fear rating is way too high.

P106 - DoctorBot Two - The second DoctorBot is clearly based on the Third Doctor, which makes sense as the Doctors One and Two were old and scruffy, respectively.

P108 - Pussyworld - First mentioned in Iris' adventure Mad Dogs and Englishmen, Pussyworld is a world full of intelligent, quite evil cats. Self explanatory, really.

P110 - "components of the Key to Time" - The fourth Doctor and First Romana spent some time finding the six pieces of the Key to Time for the White Guardian, only to break it up about a minute after finding it.

P110 - Siamsese Cat - The type of cat featured in the Disney movie 'Lady and the Tramp' ("we are Siamese if you please"). Horrible looking things, frankly.


Iris Wildthyme and the Spiders from Magrs


synopsis

Ten years ago I would have said, without fear of contradiction, that this was only the Doctor Who story to feature oral sex and a plethora of Bowie lyrics, but I haven't read all the New Adventures, so perhaps it's a commonplace nowadays.

Written by Alan Taylor, this was first published in the charity anthology, "Walking in Eternity" which can still be purchased from the publishers' website.


annotation

Title - "the Spiders from Magrs" - The title is a play on the title of the David Bowie album, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.

P352 - Angie - Angela Bowie, wife of David Bowie and one-time lover of Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, she was the inspiration for the classic songs "The Prettiest Star" (Bowie) and "Angie" (Stones).

P352 - "Time takes a cigarette" - A line from the David Bowie song, "Rock 'n' Roll Suicide"

P352 - "The newsreader was crying" - This and other lines in the story are adapted from the David Bowie song, "Five Years"

Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and T.V.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest, and a queer threw up at the sight of that
I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, don't think
you knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of Ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
Five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
Five years
Five years
Five years
Five years

P352 - Bath Olivers - Bath Olivers were the invention of Dr William Oliver, a physician at the Water or General Hospital, Bath from 1740. Shortly before his death in 1764 he bequeathed the recipe for Bath Olivers to his coachman Atkins, along with £100 and a hundred sacks of flour. The biscuit was available in Britin until the mid-1980s when it just disappeared.

P352 - Iris - The description of a super-attractive and statuesque Iris suggest this is her Jane Fonda incarnation.

P352 - Blue crystals/Metebelis 3 - Blue crystals on the planet Metebelis 3 mutated spiders inadvertantly brought by a crashed human space ship. The Doctor, in his third incarnation, was nearly killed fighting against the giant spiders in Planet of the Spiders.

P352 - "clamping" - The practice by evil traffic wardens of affixing a large yellow, metal clamp to the reaer wheel of an car illegally parked, requiring a £100+ fine to get the thing taken of. A particular problem in Edinburgh.

P352 - Open University - A British home-learning based University, famous in the seventies for being just about the only thing on outwith peak viewing hours on BBC2. Their website continues to offer courses to degree level in just about anything you could wish to study.

P352 - Mike Yates - Former UNIT captain, who suffered a nervous breakdown following his involvement in the Invasion of the Dinosaurs.

P352 - Olleril - A planet visited by the seventh Doctor, the setting for Tragedy Day.

P352 - KISS - A dreadful rock band, who ripped off Alice Cooper in terms of make-up and some crap group of teenagers making a racket in their dad's garage in terms of musical sensibilities and talent.

P352 - Darth Maul - A Dark Lord of the Sith, from the Star Wars franchise, killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi in the film The Phantom Menace.

P352 - "his name is Legion" - In Luke, Chapter 8, it is said that when Jesus spoke to a man possessed by demons, he said that his name was Legion, for he was possessed by many spirits.

Jesus asked him, saying, "What is your name?"
And he said, "Legion," because many demons had entered him.
- Luke, 8

In the Iris/Doctor Universe, Legion is the name of a Time Lord thief in the graphic novel, Voyager, and a race of gestalt aliens in the New and Missing Adventures.

P353 - Ernie - Ernie McCartney, the half-man, half-spider from the NA novel Tragedy Day by Gareth Roberts.

P353 - "over at Andy's" - Presumably a reference to Andy Warhol, for which see Femme Fatale.

P353 - "a Karmic chameleon" - A pun on the Culture Club hit, "Karma Chameleon".

P353 - "spend the night together" - A reference to the Rolling Stones ("Mick and the boys") song, "Let's Spend the Night Together", later covered rather pointlessly by David Bowie.


Being an extract from "The Amazing Adventures of Iris Wildthyme on Neptune"


synopsis

Iris, in her Beryl Reid incarnation, is mysteriously relocated from Earth to Neptune.

The story itself appears to be drawn from the John Carter of Mars series by Edgar Rice Burroughs (better known as the creator of Tarzan). In the first John Carter book, A Priness of Mars, he's mysteriously drawn to Mars where he arrives naked, and shortly thereafter finds himself in a fight with the green-skinned and four-armed Martians, where his prowess in combat soon wins their respect. Like Iris, he wakes on a bed of moss-like vegetation (yellow-green rather than blue) with the sun beating down hotly on his skin. The text of the novel is available online. Thanks to Greg both for sending me a photocopy of 'Tales of the Solar System' and for pointing out the Burroughs links.


annotation

P63 - Neptune - Neptune is the outermost planet of the gas giants and has an equatorial diameter of 49,500 kilometres. If Neptune were hollow, it could contain nearly 60 Earths. The planet orbits the Sun every 165 years. It has eight moons and a day on Neptune is 16 hours and 6.7 minutes. Neptune was discovered on September 23rd 1846 by Johann Gottfried Galle, of the Berlin Observatory, and Louis d'Arrest, an astronomy student, through mathematical predictions made by Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier.

Two thirds of Neptune is composed of a mixture of molten rock, water, liquid ammonia and methane. The outer third is a mixture of heated gases comprised of hydrogen, helium, water and methane. Methane gives Neptune its blue cloud colour.

All of which suggests that Iris is stretching the truth somewhat in her description of the planet (or that Earth astronomers don't know what they're talking about).

P63 - "...the dawn on Yorkshire I had left behind" - An unrecorded adventure, with Iris' friend, Harriet.

P63 - "The sun was intense and blasting" - I'm no astronomer, but shouldn't the sun be a little distant and cold on Neptune?

P63 - "carpetbag" - A portable travel bag, so called because it was originally made of carpet.

P63 - "hip flask of gin" - A hip flask is a small metal flask generally carried in a pocket and containing alcohol. Gin is an alcoholic spirit, which tends to be drunk with soda or tonic.

P63 - "bloody gravity" - The gravity on Neptune is 1.19 times of the gravity on Earth, so a person on Neptune who weighs 100 pounds on Earth would weight 119 pounds there and would be unlikely to be able to jump 30 yards at a time (unless they could jump somewhat further than that on Earth, I suppose).

P63 - Harriet - An otherwise unknown friend or companion on Iris.

P64 - Eve Arnold - Eve Arnold [b. 1913] was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania of immigrant Russian parents. She began photographing while working at a photo-finishing plant in New York City in 1946, then studied photography (for 6 weeks) with Alexei Brodovitch at New York City's New School for Social Research in 1948.

Mrs. Arnold first became associated with Magnum Photos in 1951, becoming a full member in 1955. She was based in America during the 1950s and came to England in 1962 to put her son to school at Bedales. Except for a six year hiatus, (when she worked in America and China to prepare a book on each of those countries), Mrs. Arnold has been based in Britain.

She is particularly well known for her photographs of Marilyn Munroe.

P64 - Joan Crawford - Actress [1904-1977] of whom Bette Davis once said, "She's slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie"

P64 - "Gulliver in Lilliput" - Lemuel Gulliver, hero of Jonathon Swift's satirical novel, Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World in Four Parts, more commonly known as Gulliver's Travels. In Lilliput, Gulliver encounters a race of very small people, to whom he is a giant.

P64 - Gunther Grass - German noevlist, social agitator and poet [b. 1927], Grass is best known in English for his novel The Tin Drum. The line "We are all inside the Egg" comes from his poem, "In the Egg" from his 1977 collection, In the Egg and Other Poems.

P64 - Nepotists - A different kind of Nepotist features in the Iris novel, The Blue Angel.

P66 - Scylla and Charybdis - In Greek mythology, Scylla was a sea monster who lived underneath a dangerous rock at one side of the Strait of Messia, opposite the whirlpool Charybdis. She threatened passing ships and in The Odyssey ate six of Odysseus' companions.

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